I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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