so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
