i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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