you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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