dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
