I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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