Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
