Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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