so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
