9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
