She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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