Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
