friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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