He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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