then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize