Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize