Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize