I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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