theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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