You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
