life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I understand Curling. That high.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
