dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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