Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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