I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
