I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You took a bar mat shot.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
