I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
