My balls are so social today.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
