Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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