in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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