Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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