Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
