you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize