I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
