***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
