Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
