its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize