My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i came on her dog
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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