Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
