He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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