i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
