I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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