***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Couch. On fire.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
