Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
