Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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