i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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