I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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