the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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