Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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