Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
