I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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