I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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