I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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