My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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