Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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