Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
