sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
