I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
